Hedging My Bets

Before I had children I imagined that I would be the kind of mom who had infinite patience, vast spiritual experiences to draw upon, and timely wisdom ready to dispense at a moment's notice. I really thought I would be like Ma Ingalls only mixed with 21st century awesomeness. My future children and I would take leisurely strolls in the neighborhood and chat about the environment, or we would create meaningful art projects together, and at every turn we would express heartfelt emotions.

I went to dinner last night with my bonus sister, Amber, and we had a lovely talk about our parents. I shared with Amber the complete delusion I shared with you above, and I have to say that the truth on motherhood is this: The vast majority of interactions I have with my children don't even come close to what I imagined them to be. Many are to do with logistics: Put your shoes on; Eat your breakfast; School starts in 10 minutes; It's church day- put on a dress. Many are expressions of love or validation, and the only thing that keeps me from feeling like Ma Ingalls is that the sentiments expressed are almost exclusively not reciprocated. (Oh, I'm sure the feelings are there, but kids aren't very good at validating their moms.) Many are concepts my kids need to know about life but that would never be the subject of the Norman Rockwell painting I fantasized about: Don't pick your nose; 5 squares of toilet paper are adequate for all but the most extreme wiping situations; Chew with your mouth closed. And frankly, there's a small number of interactions that I hope my kids just forget we had. I'm not that infinitely patient person, and I should have known that. And all this leaves just a small number of moments that were the kind I dreamed about.

I wasn't complete delusional- I knew motherhood was going to come with runny noses and whining and stinky bums, but I merely underestimated the frequency with which I would be required to deal with them. I honestly thought that there would be many more quiet moments for me to stroke their hair or tell them about my feelings on life.

What Amber and I talked about was that it is impossible to predict when these moments are going to occur. This is why I am a stay at home mom. Yeah, I'm an awesome housekeeper, cook, and schedule maker, but really I'm just hedging my bets. I'm just praying that when these opportunities to have a REAL impact on my kids come around that I am ready and am somewhere in the proximity. It seems so lame that I admit that I am eagerly waiting for the smallest opportunity to share, but I am. It could be in the car on the way home from school, or at Target, or when I tuck them in tonight, but if 99 interactions based on logistics gets me 1 meaningful exchange, I think it will be worth it.