Deliberate Motherhood

I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always had a motherhood "plan."  Sure, I have had a notion that I would strongly prefer that the girls weren't serial killers or drug addicts or jerks, but things got sketchy after that.  I'm being a little facetious...We've tried to teach the girls to have nice manners, to do good in school, and to believe in Jesus.  We're good people with a belief system that we are trying to pass onto our kids, but I haven't had more than a very general agenda.

Since our return from the Philippines, I've been increasingly uncomfortable with how competitive motherhood has become.  I've been party to conversations (I'm struggling with how to describe them) that are basically "How My Child Became Excellent In Every Single Way Thanks To My Overbearing Parenting."  I have felt uncomfortable wondering if I'm an inferior mother because I don't agree that packing a child's schedule full of flashcards and lessons helps them become happy people and good citizens.  I don't agree that self-esteem is more important than honest feedback.  I don't agree that I should have to do homework for my child so they can "compete."  I don't agree that a child needs to be reading before kindergarten.  I don't agree with a lot of things that seem to be embedded in the psyche of motherhood right now.

Let me say, also, I think that this post is only about ME and MY KIDS.  I think that there isn't any way to be a perfect mother and there's lots of ways to be a good mother.  Probably for some kids, they love the activity, they need a little boost, they read on their own, they need help with homework.  I think every mother in the world has to dig deep and figure it out on their own and I'm not judging anyone for their choices, because we are all doing the best we can here and every kid and every mother is different.  What I'm talking about, though, is a conscientious choice to diverge from the popular path, because it didn't feel right for me, and it sure as hell didn't feel right for my girls. 

I've decided that this year is the year of "Deliberate Motherhood."  I'm identifying character traits that I want to develop in my two dear ones, and I'm making plans to help them develop those qualities.  Thanks to recommendations from teachers and friends, I've had read some great books over the last couple of months.


Here's My Reading List:

Idea Books:
How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, by Paul Tough

Nurtureshock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Action Books:
Raising Lifelong Learners: A Parent's Guide, by Lucy Calkins

The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan to Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent, by Merilee Boyack

Still on the nightstand but not for long:
Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn--and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less, by Golinkoff, Hirsh-Pasek, and Eyer

The Entitlement Trap: How to Rescue Your Child with a New Family System of Choosing, Earning, and Ownership, by Richard and Linda Eyre

The first two ("Idea Books") were great for helping me identify what principles I wanted to put to work and why they were important.  Honestly, they took the feelings I had in my heart already and gave me the science to back it up.  Here's a few of my favorite quotes so you can have a little taste:

From Nurture Shock:
"I had a mother say, 'You are destroying my child's self-esteem' because I'd given her son a C.  I told her, 'Your child is capable of better work.'  I'm not there to make them FEEL better.  I'm there to make them DO better.  While we might imagine that overpraised kids grow up to be unmotivated softies, the researchers are reporting the opposite consequence.  (Researchers) have found that frequently-praised children get more competitive and more interested in tearing others down.  Image-maintenance becomes their primary concern."

"...the type of parents who are actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids...They've set a few rules over certain key spheres of influence, and they've explained why the rules are there.  They expect the child to obey them.  Over life's other sphere's, they supported the child's autonomy, allowing her freedom to make her own decisions."

"Sure, he's special.  But research suggests if you tell him that, you'll ruin him."

"If you picked 100 kindergartners as the 'gifted,' ie the smartest, by third grade only 27 of them would still deserve that categorization...Most schools don't realize how poorly the tests predict a child's academics."

From "How Children Succeed:"
"Parents and other caregivers who are able to form close, nurturing relationships with their children can foster resilience in them that protects them...The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say; it is biochemical."

"The students who persisted in college were not necessarily the ones who had excelled academically...Instead they seemed to be the one who possessed certain other gifts, skills like optimism and resilience and social agility.  They were the students who were ale to recover from bad grades and resolve to do better next time; who could bounce back from unhappy breakups or fights with their parents; who could persuade professors to give them extra help after class; who could resist the urge to go out to the movies and instead stay home and study."

"This push on tests is missing out on some serious parts of what it means to be a successful human."

"Character is at least as important as intellect."

"(He) identified a set of strengths that were, according to his research, especially likely to predict life satisfaction and high achievement...the final list included: Grit, Self Control, Zest, Social Intelligence, Gratitude, Optimism, and Curiosity."

"It is a central paradox of contemporary parenting, in fact: we have an acute, almost biological impulse to provide for our children, to give them everything they want and need, to protect them from dangers and discomforts both large and small.  And yet we know- on some level at least- that what kids need more than anything is a little hardship: some challenge, some deprivation they can overcome, even if just to prove to themselves that they can."

"The best way for a young person to build character is for him to attempt something where there is a real and serious possibility of failure."

I'm no drill sergeant. We just hang out sometimes and read because we love literature and go to the dino museum because it's fun and not for any other reason than that.  There are lots of hugs and kisses and encouragement in our home.  But I also recognize now that my reticence to baby the girls through homework or make things "easier" for them was based on my real desire to have children who were self-motivated and a little bit tough, for lack of a better word.  Now, I'm no idiot, and I realize that character traits aren't developed in a vacuum.  I love extra-curricular activities!  Kids need places like school, athletics, and music lessons to push themselves and form the qualities we wish them to have.  I just felt like for me personally, the balance is different than what it is for most, and the most important thing to me about their lessons are not whether or not they can do a back handspring or play a perfect scale, it's what they are learning about themselves as they try and fail and try and fail and try and finally succeed.  I'm grateful I took honors classes and piano lessons, but what has been most beneficial to me is not that I skipped a year of college or that I play a lot in church, it's that I learned that I'm no quitter.  The fact that I know how to persist through failure has given me more success in my life than any knowledge of music, math, or literature that I picked up along the way.   I want my two to know that they are more than a grade and more than a trophy.  I want them to know that their mind is a muscle and they can figure things out on their own.  I want them to know that sometimes success in life is simply a matter of not giving in.  I want them to be civil and kind and curious human beings. 

The next two books (Action Books) on the list are good for specific "SAY"s and "DO"s.  They give ideas on how to encourage children to become readin' writin' chore-doers.  Merilee Boyack's book gives a breakdown, by age, of what children are capable of doing and learning to do around the house.  Calkin's book is full of things to say and do to make kids readers, writers, and scientists.  I haven't implemented every single suggestion, but I have found tricks in both that I've put to use immediately with good success. 

The last two I just haven't had time for yet, but based on the two ladies who recommended them, I'm quite certain they will be right up my alley.  I just wanted to share in case they might be interesting to another.

A couple of final thoughts:  I'm good about sharing funny things the girls say or what we do, but I don't often brag them up because...well...it can be tiresome for others.   BUT!  We just had parent-teacher conference, and those two little darlings are Killing. It.  I couldn't be more proud- their teachers were so pleased with their academics and behaviors.  It makes me feel like I've been on the right track all along and gives me the motivation to become even more purposeful in how I mother them. 

Last...I'm saying it again...this isn't a "high horse" position.  I absolutely do not think that this is the only way to be a good mom and that everyone else is "doing it wrong."  I think every mom is equipped with the perfect knowledge to be the specific parent that her children need and there simply can't be one way to do it.  I really don't judge anyone and I don't think I'm that awesome of a mom.  I'm just a person who's making an effort to be more conscientious about what works for my family.  This is just a friendly note for those who maybe feel the same as me...Life is just fine when you've stepped a little off of the beaten track.