Because It Has To Be Said.

Apparently my post on FICO scores has caused some hurt feelings: A reader of this blog has actually "unfriended" me on Facebook. I'm not mad or hurt; in fact, I kind of giggled to myself because it is such a juvenile way to deal with misunderstandings.

Know what? I stand by what I said. And not only do I stand by what I said, I'm going to EXPAND on what I said.

First and foremost, the post was meant to be a simile and not an inference. I was merely drawing a parallel in my own life about how I used to be irresponsible both with money and humans, and now I had learned to be more responsible with them. I in no way was insinuating that if you have bad credit that you are a worthless human being with no friends, which is how some interpreted it. There are plenty of lovely people out there who, due to circumstances beyond their control, have had financial hardship. Of course they deserve to be the recipient of happy and beneficial human relationships.

Second, I'm going to take my simile even further and say, "Wouldn't it be totally awesome if people DID have relationship FICOs?" Imagine it...You meet someone, and you think that maybe you'd like to get to know them, but instead of making an immediate emotional investment, you could go home and pull their relationship credit score instead. If they are in the 500's, you can think to yourself, "Well, she was a cute gal, but I really don't like getting stabbed in the back, so I think I won't ask her to lunch," or if their score was in the 600 range, you might think, "Well, he's had some trouble with his parents, but it looks like he's really started to pull things together lately," and if they were in the 700's, you'd think to yourself, "Now there is someone who has shown themselves to be a good friend!"

I think a lot of our public lives are made up of a certain amount of what I'm going to call "Social Deceit." We are all our nicest in public. We look our cutest when we are going out. We don't usually fart at restaurants. We don't yell at our spouses at family reunions. The bottom line is that we hide the very worst parts of ourselves from the general public. We all do it, and it is OKAY. But a relationship FICO could cut through the fat of social deceit, because just like my real FICO, I can say whatever I want about my financial matters to you, but my credit report doesn't lie.

I look back at many relationships in my life, and I either settled for less than I deserved, or I gave the recipient less than they deserved. I think part of becoming a whole, grown-up person is that you eventually say to yourself that A:) you are going to give your very best to those that you love, and B:) you aren't going to take anyone's crap. I have an incredible example of this in my own life- my sister-in-law Lirio. (I hope you don't mind me talking about you, Lirio...but I just love you so much.) Lirio is an amazing person because she has no guile whatsoever- she says what she feels but always kindly, she stands up for her beliefs in a way that never alienates, and she has a way of sharing her many talents and hobbies without making you feel like a failure. I want to be like her because the way she treats people is incredibly loving and respectful, yet she kindly commands the same if you would like to be her friend.

I used to believe that true friendship meant 100% tolerance no matter what transpired. I don't believe that anymore. I think it is possible to set healthy boundaries without anger, to merely say to yourself, "I'm going to create a little distance here because I don't like how I am being treated." I think that true friends will privately and kindly tell you when you are out of line. I think true friends elevate your behavior because you know that they DON'T love you no matter what. I think true friends stick by you when times are hard and encourage you to do your best.

I've learned something about myself: One negative relationship taints other relationships for me. I start generalizing like, "People are so rude." or "People are so selfish." It's a dangerous habit to begin to assume that the whole world is like the one person you are struggling with. So, to the person who unfriended me, I say with 100% sincerity, "Thanks for the challenge. I still think you have nice qualities. I still think you deserve a happy life." And I refuse to let myself generalize- no matter what one person has done in the fake world of cyberspace, the people I know in the real world are just damn good people who are giving their very best.

I hope one day to have a relationship FICO as high as my credit score. I haven't deluded myself for one single day of my life that I have been a perfect friend, sister, daughter, or wife. When hurt feelings occur, I try to look at myself FIRST and ask myself honestly if I caused them. I feel terrible when I realize that I have hurt someone. I want my friends and family to feel my love for and trust in them, and I hope that it creates mutual feelings between us, because I value those precious people more than any sum of money.