Cannery Blues and Other Tales From Today

Chapter 1: I've got the cannery blues.
I showed up to my cannery shift with the following mindset: "Let's get this over as quickly as possible so I can go home with my jam." As I enter the orientation room I hear this monologue from the lady in charge: "...retina detached in more than one place. They had to give me a shot right in the eye ball. Now to fix it, you don't get put totally under. Well, you start out totally under, but then they have to bring you back so you can tell them if you can see or not. Now it was about this time that they realized my heart rate was only twenty seven beats a minute. So after the retina surgery, I had to go in for a pacemaker. How do you tell your kids you only have six months to live? Well, the doctor didn't actually SAY I only had six months to live, but I sure felt like I only had six months to live. And it was three days before Christmas. So the pacemaker fixed my slow heart rate, but it wouldn't fix my fast heart rate. After two eye surgeries and two heart surgeries, well then things really started to go downhill." I wanted to scream out, "Just tell me to keep my hands out of the conveyor belt and get me my rubber gloves!!!"

Chapter 2: A mani/pedi with Kate.
I was desperate for a pedicure so I took Kate with me on a "Kate Date" figuring she could get her nails painted and I could have a minute of peace. Those ladies are no dummies, because they asked Kate, "Do you want flower?" You and I know it's just a trick to make an extra five bucks because it takes about zero in terms of time and materials. But to a four year old? Heck yeah, she wants a flower. Next time they can ask ME if she wants a flower.

Chapter 3: Good news for Grandma Gloria.
Bruce and I had the true pleasure of dinner with Rose and Jeff and the kids. What a fun night of conversation and laughs. The best part was the following fortune: YOU WILL INHERIT AN UNEXPECTED SUM OF MONEY WITHIN THE YEAR. Grandma, that can only mean one thing!

Chapter 4: Escapades at the ice cream shoppe.
After dinner, we all went to the ice cream place up the street. While Rose thought she had the ultimate treat with Rocky Road ice cream with a cookie in it, I acually one-upped her with the mint chocolate chip ice cream with junior mints in. There were whole ones under and on top of the ice cream. Lachlan warmed up to me pretty quick when I offered to share, and she took a junior mint. The look on her face was priceless, and you have to know that her internal dialogue went something like this: "What is this slice of heaven that has been withheld from me thus far? Becca, get your spoon out of the way." She ate all the ones on top, so I used my spoon to show her the hidden Junior Mints underneath. She was hilarious! Every time I would show her another one, she would laugh and squeal and eat it immediately.

Chapter 5: Taxicab confessions.
Picked up the girls, and like any date night, prayed that they would fall asleep in the car. (Aunt Lindsay is WAY too much fun to fall asleep there.) Kiki went out pretty quick, so I was grilling Kate about the last time she used the potty. Was it before her bath? After the bath? Just before I got there? She said, "I went to the potty a bunch of times. Know why? Because I ate A LOT of junk."