Dear The Whole Entire World: On Behalf of My Youngest Child, I Apologize.

The very instant Kiki was delivered, I knew she was my last child. It was a gift to me, because I savored her babyhood. I admit, also, that I have kept her a baby. Even though she is 4 years old in a couple of months, I still feed her if she is feeling lazy, or carry her into the store if she doesn't feel like walking, and haven't tried very hard to break her of the thumb sucking. Uggh. Just writing all that down makes me seriously question my motherhood judgement.

I used to work with a woman who was still breast feeding her 4 year old. Her rationalization?

"Oh, sometimes he doesn't even want to nurse- he just wants to touch them."

I judged her harshly at the time, but today I say to myself, "Lady, I am on the same damn slippery slope that got you a suckling pre-schooler."

Seriously. I have tolerated monkey business from Kiki that I never did from Kate, all on variations of the same excuse, namely, "She's just a baby/just so little/just so darn cute." All true, yet not a good reason either to just give up all discipline. My eyes have been opened the last few days- she does some really rude things, she talks back, she refuses to pick up, she wears completely inappropriate clothing, she wastes food AND toilet paper. I could go on, but now this is getting extra embarassing. For ME. And, we are at this crossroads where I realize that I have let my darling child become a little bit of a monster, and it is my fault, and I don't want to keep going down the same path. I have let her cuteness sway me, but the day has come when the fact that she calls a jam sandwich a "jamwich" just isn't enough social currency to buy my complacency anymore.

Now, before anyone calls social services, let me say this: Kiki can be the most charming and funny child ever. It's the only reason she's alive at this point. I love her so much. She is smart and good company, but my frustration has been that her bad behavior is Just. So. Bad. And while her behavior isn't always and consistently appalling, it is too frequently appalling.

I started the reprogramming yesterday with what I will call "The Stuffed Animal Standoff of 2010." All I wanted was for her to pick up her stuffed animals and put them in their designated basket. She whined and stalled. I warned her. More whining and stalling. I took away her blanket. Escalation of whining and stalling. I swatted her on the bum. Her reaction was complete hysteria- you would have thought I had whipped her on the bare back with a switch. And then, she caved and picked up all the stuffed animals. Later, we talked about it. I actually apologized for the bum swat, because it's not a discipline method I subscribe to (on paper, anyway...), but we chatted about what went wrong and what we both could change. This morning, I asked her to do a similar little task, and she raced off to do it shouting, "...and you don't need to spank my bum!!!" Then tonight, Bruce and I were (still) talking about the incident with her, and I said, "Kiki, why did I swat your bum?" hoping she would say, "...because I wouldn't pick up my toys," or something. Instead she replied, in a voice tinged with a little regret or maybe sympathy,

"Well, you're not the best mom."

No Kidding.