I wish it was possible to explain how confusing motherhood can be. For seemingly all issues, there is a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to address them, and there will be those who swear the RIGHT way is the only way, and those who swear the RIGHT way screwed their kid for life, and those who swear the WRONG way is in actuality the RIGHT way. I seriously feel like I have been blundering along for seven years now with no damn idea about what I have done, what I am currently doing, or what I plan to do in the future.
I feel no different than a rat in a maze- I might be forced to go one way sometimes, but when faced with a parenting choice, unless blatantly obvious (like "Smoke or Don't smoke?" or "Sex at 13, Yes or No?" or "Should Kate drop out of elementary school?"), I think, 'I don't know! I think I'll just stumble to the left for a minute and hope things turn out..." and seem to lack the powers of prediction that would allow me to know if that stumble to the left will later result in a kid who is the president or a kid who is in the clink.
Case in Point: I Name it "THE CLINGER."
My Kate is a sweet soul, yet incredibly shy. I have probably held her back by even labeling her in such a way, and even though I thought I was doing it in secret, she refers to herself as shy very regularly. I have encouraged her to make friends at school, and we have made some good progress, but many days she still eats lunch alone. What has been frustrating to me is that the girls in her class have been SO NICE to her. They have told her they want to be her friend, they have asked her to play, etc. But at lunch time she can't work up the nerve to go sit by any of them. She doesn't seem bothered by this, only me. Frankly, if she was bothered, I'd probably be having a psychotic episode about now. I have encouraged her and pushed her and tried to give her some friendship "tools." ("Tell her you think her shoes are cute or compliment her hair. People love compliments!" I say with this fake smile on my face to Kate like it is going to be so fun and easy but deep in my heart I'm know that this is NOT FUN OR EASY for her and I hate that I am making it seem so simple.) I have told her that these girls have plainly said that they want to be her friend so sitting by them at lunch or playing with them at recess is a risk-free situation for her- it's like the elementary school equivalent of asking the school slut to prom- the desired outcome is all but guaranteed. I have asked her to think about how these girls must feel. "Kate," I said, "What if you told a really nice girl that you wanted her to be your friend, and then she never spoke to you again? Because that's what happened here." And I've tried to get her thinking that she could be a good friend to someone who really needs her. It's desperate reframing on my part: "Maybe you don't feel like you need a friend, but someone out there really needs YOU to be THEIR friend."
Friday was the worst. My nerves have been a little frayed all week- worrying for Kate, the stress of returning from vacation and having a heinous week, our car had broken down. I was snapped long before the sun ever rose Friday morning. I went to Kate's class for my regular volunteering shift, and when I left, Kate had a complete breakdown. She cried and cried that she wanted me to stay, she wanted me to hold her, she wanted me to take her home. And the rat didn't know what to do: take her home and cuddle her up or tell her to suck it up and leave with no backwards glances. Reality wound up somewhere in the middle- with the remainder of her class in computers, her beloved teacher was free to offer a little one on one attention while I left with minimum drama. Later that day was a birthday party for a girl in Kate's class- Kate had been looking forward to it all week- we had picked out a present and everything. When we pulled in to the driveway the birthday girl ran outside and starting jumping up and down screaming, "Kate's here! Kate's here!" Signs looked good! I walked her in and she knew every girl there. I spent a minute getting her settled and left, but wasn't even to the car door before she came running after me crying. She wanted to go home with me. I made some incredibly lame excuse for her and we left together, but I was really frustrated with her.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I worry that my parenting efforts have completely backfired and she wants friends less and less and me more and more. I worry that my desperation for her to make friends is creating a kid who can't make friends. Every day when the first question I ask her is, "Who did you eat lunch with today?" I want to kick my own self in the rear and scream at myself, "ASK ABOUT ACADEMICS, YOU IDIOT." I feel like I am not sending the right message, but I can't stop myself from worrying that she is going to become an isolated and lonely kid. There's also another part of me that thinks I should push her away just a little- let her cry it out a little and see that things are fine even when I am not in the immediate proximity. I'm at such a loss- I don't even know what to do at this point. All I know is what I have been doing hasn't been working at all and my gut instincts have all but given up on me.
Mona 5th Ward primary families
9 months ago
6 comments:
We are all tender plants. We do things in our own time, when we are ready. As much as I want my hyacinth to open early so that I can enjoy that sweet fragrance, they always open LATE, when they are ready. I can't make them do it in my time. It doesn't mean they won't ever open, and there's no sense in trying to force them open or worrying about how long they take to open. Just keep loving her the way she is. Unconditional love is the best foundation for self esteem.
Recursively has hit the nail on the head. Perfectly said.
I struggle with some of the same issues with Leighton and wondered if she was ever going to grow out of them. This year I have seen huge growth. She even walked to class by herself on Monday. Before she would rather be late (a HUGE infraction in her book) then go to class by herself.
Kate knows that you love her and she feels so safe with you. It is hard make friends with someone, even if it seems to be risk-free. Enjoy the fact that she loves to be with you. The time for that will end way too soon, I promise.
Good Lord, Barratt....I think the person you should cut a break for is yourself! Are you drinking your coffee black these days? You're wound so tight on this issue--frankly, I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself diarrhea or maybe your just licking your lips too much (stop. it's a very ugly habit.)
All sort-of jokes aside...
Take a breath.
Calm down.
Don't even bring it up for two weeks. If she doesn't say anything about it--don't bring it up for two more. Her life isn't going to be altered even a little bit if you let this go for a month. After a month, take her out to lunch and ask her what she would like to talk about--then let her direct the conversation.
She needs to feel in control of her own choices. If she doesn't want to go to a friend's house--fine, let her come home for now.
I know that it is really hard to just let her drive this train--but she has skills--she might not know it, but she'll figure it out.
Deep breathing. Stay off the 'roids. Remember who loves you.
I believe the kind of friends a person has says a lot about that person. . .by the wisdom-filled comments, you have clearly surrounded yourself with bright, empathetic, understanding, saavy women, which means you are one too! Trust yourself. This too shall pass.
I can relate to this post on several levels. I went through a similar struggle with Jake ironically right after the winter break last year. He is anything but shy, but was suddenly and inexplicably attached to me and refused to go to school. I had all the same frustrations and began to doubt everything I thought I knew about mothering. As with most developmental hurdles kids go through, he got past the episode either because of me or in spite of me, I'm not sure.
As for the shyness, I was Kate as a child so I can empathize. I used to hate it when people would say, "You're so shy!" like it was something I should be ashamed of. I couldn't change my nature and only time and experience helped to overcome it. I didn't (and still don't)need tons of friends. I still hate answering the phone, will find excuses to not go to parties, and have an extreme aversion to being the center of attention, yet I lead a functional and full life. For an introvert being alone means a chance to recharge. So sitting alone at lunch probably is that time for her, and shouldn't be seen as something sad.
You're a great mom and Kate is a great little girl. This will work itself out.
I don't know that there are right decisions in these types of situations. You just go with what feels right at the moment.
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