I've been thinking a lot lately about the friendships I've enjoyed over the course of my life. I think it has been top of mind because I've recently (and reluctantly) joined Facebook. Although many of my "real" friends are on Facebook, many aren't, and some of my "friends" on Facebook aren't really my friends at all. How does one define a friendship, anyway?
Coupled with this has been my growing dissatisfaction with some of the relationships in my life. I have long believed that you just can't keep a tally sheet in a friendship- sometimes you do more for someone than they are doing for you, and sometimes they give more than you are giving to them. I figured it would all even out in the end. But, there are certain people where it just has not been evening out. It's become a pattern where I give what I am willing, and at times, more than I am willing, and yet the other "friend" hasn't been giving anything back. Nothing. And it has been hard on me because I do not want to have a transactional attitude about personal relationships, but the bottom line remains that the one-sided nature of the relationship leaves me feeling bugged. And a little angry. And sad. And what makes me the saddest is that there are a lot of people in my life that I would like to spend more time with and cultivate deeper relationships with, and yet I waste my time giving to people who, by all appearances, just don't give a shit.
So when do you say, "Quit."? I really want to know. If you are using your precious time to read my lame blog, I can reassure you that you aren't the one-sided friend that I'm speaking of. Do I have to give a break-up speech? "It's not you, it's me," when what I really mean is, "It's you. Definitely you."
For the record,I would like to say that I have some of the greatest friends around. I have been truly blessed with friends that give me more than I deserve, view me as better than I am, and always give the benefit of the doubt. Seriously. This post is not about them, it's about the duds that are the absolute minority. One good thing about Facebook is that it has allowed me to reconnect with some people that I have really missed having in my life that I just drifted apart from. I want to be clear that I'm not talking about "drift," because that just happens in life sometimes, but I am talking about a conscientious choice to not be someone's friend anymore. Should I do it?
And if you comment, and say, "Yes," then don't be surprised if I stop taking your calls.
Mona 5th Ward primary families
9 months ago
10 comments:
I think that you come to a time in your life, when you are done dealing with the shit. You are too old to deal with those friends who either continually dump on you, take advantage of you, are toxic, or just too much work.
I am currently dealing with a situation where I am done with a friendship because of the horrible choices that friend has made.
I don't think there needs to be a 'breakup', but after several missed calls and cancelled lunch dates, they will get the picture.
Well, I said 'yes', so I guess you won't be taking my calls. But, I will try to find you on FB.
I meant a great friend when we lived in New Orleans. We were pretty close with this couple for 3 years and then they also moved to Dallas, and we were in the same Stake. The last year we lived there she began excluding me and treating me poorly. I tried talking with her multiple times about what I had done, etc....and she would NEVER be emotionally honest with me. IT totally hurt. Since we moved from Dallas, I have tried calling occasionally, etc just to see how they are doing. It was pointless. She turned really bitchy, and I frankly thought. Who cares anymore. I've done all I can do. Her loss.
Relationships are two-sided, and I would say their loss or as you used to say when we were kids, "Big fat hairy deal!" Just break up with them....its so much easier.
I am a terrible "breaker-upper!" All I can say is I could have written this post myself. I can promise you it would not have been as eloquent, but...
I'm not one to burn bridges and I try my hardest not too, but you also don't need to water a flower that is dying. Save it for the ones who still have life!
I feel your pain and it is real!
Lots of love,
Cheryl
Hard to say. I always think it is best to avoid burning bridges where possible. I don't think friendship breakups are necessary unless there is some type of damage happening. I don't know if this is a case of heavy emotional taxation, or what, but I usually go for direct communication where possible. Maybe she doesn't even realize there is a problem. If they still don't get it, just limit interaction to a level where you feel comfortable. We all evolve in friendships throughout life, and you never know if an old friendship may become healthy again in the future. Keep an open door where possible. Then again, I have nowhere near the number of friends you have. Honestly, I don't know how you do it, Becca.
You are much too amazing and your time is much too precious to be wasting your lovely self and life on a loser friend. Seriously, I can't imagine anyone not taking advantage of your loving ways. There's no need to have a conversation. This person does not add anything to your life. Just end it, or set different expectations.
Does this individual have any redeeming qualities? I have a friend I absolutely adore, but she's also one of the most SELFISH people I know. I picked her up in the middle of the night after her b-friend was arrested with a DUI without a thanks. I cleaned up her crap--literally and again no thank you. I listened to her relationship woes non-stop and when I needed a listening ear, she'd just tell me to "buck up." I got fed up a couple years back and put her in a different friendship bucket. She's the kind of friend I can share a good laugh with on occasion. She's the kind of friend who has good fashion advice. She's the kind of friend I don't expect a single thing from, and I've learned to appreciate her just the way she is. I don't put much stock in our relationship. I love her, and I've learned I don't need to be the kind of friend to her that I am to others because I don't get the same return.
With all that said, I love you! And I'm glad we are friends even though I'm not on FB. ;)
I hate it when this happens. Unfortunately, sometimes it is unavoidable. It is so sad.
That is a touchy subject for me Becca... I decided about a year and a half ago that if I have to teach my loved ones and or supposably friends how to be good friends and how to treat me fair then I don't need them in my life.
I am content and happy with John and my boys and if there is extra time for others we may or may not squeeze others in.
I say no break up necessary, just see them around and smile. Be classy and tactful but don't make time for them and for God's sake don't depend on them for happiness.
Just sayin'
okay. fine. its over. this is so like you to do this in a public forum.
p.s. you owe me $20 from about 5 years ago.
Rose, Rose, Rose. I am laughing my head off!
Having gone through this myself recently, I'd say buh-bye! When you aren't getting anything positive from a friendship it's simply not a friendship.
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