How Motherhood Has Impacted My Hygiene

Oh, I remember the hours I spent in front of the mirror during high school and college! I had a certain beauty routine and I refused to deviate for any circumstance. Readying for school took an hour, and date night preparations easily doubled that. I remember when my high school prom date left me with only two hours (!!) to get ready. I mean really, we had been strenuously miniature golfing for several hours, so clearly some toiletry was required. How could he have not understood that? I remember thinking, "Why would someone want a shampoo that also conditions? A moisturizer that tints? A combination blush and shadow? They must be weak, lazy, disorganized, and a poor manager of their time."

How two decades can change things! I realized this morning that I can get ready start to finish in twenty minutes, and that includes a shower. Church? Twenty minutes. Grocery store? Twenty minutes MAX. My own wedding? Twenty minutes. Here's how I do it: On any possible day this is what might happen in the shower:

Wash hair.
Condition hair.
Wash face.
Exfoliate face.
Shave armpits.
Shave legs.
Wash body.
Exfoliate body.
Pumice feet.
Brush teeth.

The IRONCLAD rule of Motherhood and Hygiene dictates that you may only complete THREE of the above items, maybe four if your husband hasn't left for work yet. Want to exfoliate today? Fine, but your hair isn't getting washed. Legs hairy as a Siberian Husky? Take care of it, but you'll get out of the shower with mascara still running down your face. Does your hair smell like cigarettes and you don't smoke? You can wash it, but later you'll realize your armpit stubble has been picking up fibers from your shirt all day and your pits are now green. I figure that this rotation has rendered me less clean and more hairy then when I was a naive teenager, but I figure I'm still cleaner with anyone with an address ending with the word "AFRICA."