Unrequited Love

In high school I had a huge crush on M. He really didn't know I existed, AND he had a girlfriend, but that was okay, because in my mind my love could overcome those minor obstacles. Besides, how could he resist this complete hotness?

Unfortunately I lacked the self-awareness to realize that my hair and clothes were MAJOR obstacles. At one point, his brother P, who was a good friend of mine, said, "My brother wanted to ask you out, and I told him to stay away from you." It was said in a tone of voice that insinuated that P had done me a huge favor by telling his brother to keep away, and I replied as the dictates of friendship required, by saying, "Thanks, P. I guess I dodged a bullet on that one," or something to that effect, when on the inside I was seething, "You dumbass! I've missed my only chance ever for a meaningful relationship!"

You'd think that twenty years later unrequited love would be a thing of the past, especially considering that I have the greatest husband, two small kids, and a pretty good life. However, I have experienced a one-sided love that is more painful than any unreciprocated high school crush ever could be:

I love Kiki far, far more than she loves me.

It became painfully clear at the movie yesterday (Earth, by the way, is a MUST SEE). She will tolerate me holding her for a few moments, but all too soon for me, she untangles herself and moves away. Even the seat next to me is far too close- she insteads maneuvers her way through the darkened theater to sit several seats away. I beg her to come be with me; she ignores me, or worse says, "Why, Mom? Treat?" as if the only conceivable way she can tolerate my presence is if some form of high fructose corn syrup is involved.

It's all making sense now. I say, "Kiki, I love you." She thinks to herself, 'Look, there's that lady who can reach the cheese.' I say, "You are my best girl." She thinks, 'My diaper stinks. I hope that lady can take care of it.' I squeeze her and pray repeatedly that she stays my baby forever and ever. She mentally goes to a happy place and waits for me to lose interest, not bothering to ever hug me back. Even as I type this, she has wanted NOTHING to do with me until just now- she needed her water bottle opened.

Bruce is loved and adored by her. She cries desperately every (EVERY!) morning when he leaves for work. "Where Daddy go? Where Daddy go?" She laughs and runs to him the instant she hears the garage door open. I left for 3 days to Pocatello, and upon my return- a nod, a brief hug, a small smile- they're the classic signs of a "Let's Just Be Friends"-type relationship. I'm devastated. I'd do anything in the world for her, and she thinks I've got a great personality.

M, if I could find you, I'd thank you for preparing me in a small way for motherhood.