If you are uncomfortable with the unvarnished truth, don't read on.
The most unexpected thing about motherhood for me has not been that there has been highs and lows, but that motherhood has magnified and expanded my ability to feel- my happiness is greater than any happiness I've ever felt, yet my frustrations and disappointments are greater as well. I have been feeling so inadequate as a mother the last few days. I have heard it said that in heaven we picked our own parents. I don't know that I've ever seen any doctrine supporting that, and it seems a nice thought, but I highly doubt my own two girls said, "We're not much for cuddling and acceptance, so could you get us a mom who is more on the shrew/hag end of the spectrum?" Lately I have just felt the magnifying glass on all of my faults. I've always known that I am not a patient person, but I am never as impatient as I am with my own kids. I know that I am not quick to change, but my efforts to do so as a mother seem to result in very little difference. I know that I can be selfish, but I never seem more selfish to myself then when my girls want to cuddle and frankly, I'd rather be alone for just FIVE MINUTES. Am I total jerk? I feel like it sometimes. How is it even possible that I want to give my family everything I can, yet I can resent them for accepting it, then I wonder why I haven't given more? Motherhood is a tightrope that I walk between self acceptance and self-flagellation. I haven't bought a hair shirt yet, but I think it's good to be honest with yourself about your faults (and if pressed, my assets as well). I just need to get back on balance. I know I have good qualities, and I know I'm not the worst mother in the world, but the last few days have me leaning toward the negative. I'm hoping that by venting and commiserating I can get back on track, because compulsively cleaning and eating lemon meringue pie hasn't worked so far. I am frustrated that the same magnifying glass that has been applied to my feelings has also been applied to my butt and my feet. As if pregnancy wasn't enough of a trial for me, now I'm stuck with shoes and jeans that don't fit anymore? (Don't worry, Amber, the pie was a momentary slip and I am back with you on the no sugar.) Mixed in with it all is the GUILT. I feel guilty for even complaining, because there are women out there who would give anything to be in my position. I have two great daughters, I get to stay at home with relatively few financial worries, I have a great husband- what is my problem? I feel guilty that I don't read to them enough, that I don't take them enough places, that I don't love them enough. I feel guilty that I get sick of them sometimes. I feel guilty that I even wrote these thoughts down, but I'm going to post it anyway, because I need to believe that we have ALL felt this way.
Even as I write this, Kate is crying about her stupid cartoons being in a commercial, Kiki just dumped out the Lite Brite, and I found my first gray hair. I see the joke, God, but I just don't find it funny.
Even as I write this, Kate is crying about her stupid cartoons being in a commercial, Kiki just dumped out the Lite Brite, and I found my first gray hair. I see the joke, God, but I just don't find it funny.
10 comments:
I think you are having completely normal feelings. Sometimes I feel bad when the "Baker" side of our genes presents itself, but then things change. Don't worry you are totally normal. It's the toughest job on earth....no doubt about it!!
Amen cousin! But you are a great mommy and tomorrow will be better unless of course it snows then you can send your little ones to my house!
i can't speak to being a mother, but i definitely can to having bad days and feeling resentful for things i want to do but don't want to do if that makes any sense. i.e. i love it when my family gets together, but i hate it when i have to do all of the work and coordinate everything. or, i loved bringing chili into my work peeps, but i was disappointed when only 2 out of 20 people offered to help. may be that makes me a martyr. i, too, have a great life--a life of freedom, awesome travels and a little bit of leisure when i am not working, but i still get stuck in the mud thinking i'd much rather be like alexis johansen, my childhood friend, living in north carolina with three little girls, or my bff, yung, who has two little ones always screaming in the background. even though i'm not a parent (as i prefaced earlier ;)), i think your feelings are perfectly normal, and i'm proud of you for writing them down and sharing them with the rest of us. afterall, you are a domestic bad ass, and even though i shouldn't, i sometimes compare myself to you and your kick ass ways. no worries about the sugar--an occasional slip is okay with me. i think the same goes for tough days in motherhood. sorry for the diatribe. i'll end with a hug!
All of this advise is so uplifting. I'm laughing my guts out about your kids voting for the hag--I'm sure my kids are wondering what they did wrong in the last life to have such a humbling experience on this go-around.
Oh I can't even count the days I've felt like running away from home!! Satan has a great tool in guilt. Don't succum to his wanting to make you miserable. We feel what we feel. That's real and we need to have our moment if we need to. Then we have to figure out the source of those feelings and work on changing them. For me when I am off balance with something that is when the mean mom rears her head. I wish I knew the secret to never feeling like this, but I think when I get lost in the drudgery and focusing on the lack of appreciation it is the worst. When I focus on being a daughter of God and the love He has for me and trying to be the best daughter I can be than it's a lot better. You are a FABULOUS mother!!! We all have our areas of improvement. Don't feel guilty though. That's a never ending spiral down!!!!
This is answering two of your blogs. I think you are a wonderful mother. I have watched my granddaughters with their children and honestly you are much better than I was. As to the election It didn't go like I wanted it to but believe me no one will snucker down and be a better American that I will be. I thought both McCain and Obama gave wonderful talks at the end of it all. I hope every one will be united and follow our new president elect. That snucker is a good word huh? BE patient and love your children as you always do. You had a rotten day. I love you all very much. your gramma J.
I was just talking to my MIL the other day and I told her that I'd had a bad day, but I'd read Rose's blog and it made me laugh because even though I thought that I'd had it bad, at least I didn't have to clean up cat puke twice in the same day. She mentioned that it was nice that I can keep in contact with my family and friends through blogs and know that we are ALL feeling the same way. We all feel like we are the worst mothers in the world, and every mother from the beginning of time has felt that way. By blogging about it you just help the rest of us feel more normal, so thanks.
Right before I read this I told the kids "Can I please just stop being the Mom for 5 min!!! I just want to be Cheryl for a second!" You are such a great Mom! I know your younger and haven't been a Mom for quite as long, but I totally want to be just like you when I grow up. I feel like you do almost every day. That is what compels me to wake up at 4:30 am and run. It is my only escape!
Love ya lots and can hardly wait to see you all!
xoxo
So been there, Becca. You are fabulous and don't ever forget it. The little ones know exactly what buttons to push. You can't love something, (someone) that much and not feel the pendulum swing wide in the other direction sometimes. So normal, at least I tell myself that!:)
Did you ever imagine some days (weeks even) can be so long!!! Maybe it was something in the Universe this week. It was not a great week around here for any type of mothering award.
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