Bubbles!

"Bubbles" is Kiki's favorite word. She calls soap "Bubbles." She calls soda "Bubbles Wa-wa." And she calls mousse "Bubbles hair." And look at all the bubbles here! This is the kids in the bath tonight.

Charlie

Elise, Kate, Charlie

Charlie, again.


Kate

Kiki, Kate, Elise, and Charlie

It Took All Week, But I Finally Got All Four to Cry at the Same Time.

I heard screaming in the playroom. I rushed back there, and Kate was crying on the floor holding her Shamu stuffed animal, and Elise was crying saying, "I thought she was playing but she wasn't." As I started to sort that out, Charlie shoved Kiki to the ground, so SHE started crying, and he went to time out, so of course HE started crying. I credit myself, because I didn't even get all stressed out or anything. I thought, 'I should be recording this.' It was pandemonium, but I must have matured a little this week, because I kept it all together.

I'm on an Emotional Roller Coaster and Frosting isn't Helping

I can't lie. Yesterday was rough. My sister's kids are really missing their parents, so they are emotional and needy. Charlie is particularly confused- he's only two, so the concept of "Your folks are coming back in 3 days" is lost on him. He reacted in the way two year olds do: by hitting, biting, and throwing tantrums all day. I reacted in the way 34 year olds do: by stress eating buttercream frosting until I hated myself. Good for me. The only reprieve during the day was Kiki's check-up. Who knew that a trip to the doctor's office could feel like a respite? My mom took the other 3 while Kiki and I went to see Dr. G. The official verdict is that Maggie is STILL a giant. She is in the 99.96th percentile for height. Dr. G. also discovered that she has a mild ear infection, and he explained that she probably wasn't hearing normally. My first thought was, 'That's OK, I've been screaming a lot lately.'

We blew off some steam today at the Kangaroo Zoo. Jack came with me and the kids had a blast. Here's Charlie on the slide:

Kiki loved the slides, but was equally entranced with the drinking fountain and the air hand dryer in the bathroom. She would push the button for the air, then turn around and rub her head and neck as the warm air blew on it. She was so brave on the slides- she climbed up the giant one herself. I said, "Want me to slide down with you?" She replied, "Alone."

Elise

Kate

I have to tell about an incident that happened on Wednesday. I was at Walmart with Kate and Elise picking up some groceries. We were running late, and by the time I stepped into line it was the hour I had told Paige we would be back. Of course, the person in front of me was taking FOREVER to check out. I called Paige, saying something along the lines of, "I'll be home as soon as the jerk in front of me figures out how to do a hostile takeover at the point of sale." Fortunately for me, I then began to pay a little attention to what was unfolding in front of me. The guy was going on a trip (camping or something) so he was buying some essentials, but he was having trouble because he could only spend a certain amount because he wanted to make sure there was money left in the account for his wife while he was gone. He was taking items off, then adding them back on, trying to get as many things as possible without overspending. I overheard him saying that if he spent $25 then his wife would have no money, but if he spent $15 she could get through the weekend on the other $10. I thought about the last time I was down to my last ten dollars, and to be honest, it's been at least a decade. While I am certainly aware of and impacted by the recession, Bruce has kept his job and we are lucky that our day to day lives haven't changed much. Anyway, the man finally wrapped things up and I checked out. As I was finishing, he stepped back into line behind me, and as I loaded my cart I heard him say, "This made it into my bag but I didn't pay for it." I know if I had been in his shoes, it would have been so tempting to keep that item- after all, it couldn't have been more than $10 and he probably needed it for his trip. And I left thinking a couple of things- people in this world are basically decent, and I am SO lucky. I take a lot for granted, and I shouldn't.

Who knew that I could learn a life lesson at the Walmart?

Woman on the Brink: A Photo Essay

I'll sum up how the babysitting is going. I told Charlie, "Quit yanking on your sister's shirt." It was said in a very reasonable tone of voice on my part, and yet he turned to me, started shrieking something unintelligible, went red in the face, and then said, "My mom is NICE!" Hate to break to you, Charlie, but your mom left you here and went to Hawaii without you, so I don't know how "nice" she actually is.

I've a problem with clutter. Not that I collect clutter, but something opposite. Clutter of any kind makes my top 3 pet peeves list. I'm not completely obsessive, but I admit that few things satisfy me more than a long expanse of kitchen counter with absolutely nothing on it. I try to be realistic, and believe me, my house can get downright disgusting. Clutter to me, though, is like a low volume radio playing static all day long. It may not be an intolerable irritant, but it's an irritant nevertheless.

That being said, I tried to be a "Fun Mom" and gave the kids pipe cleaners to play with, thinking that they would make flowers or cars or butterflies or something. Instead I got this:

It's cool though.

Really, I'm not bothered by this at all.

Oh, you kids and your @#$% creativity!

I'm just going to take a few million deep breaths.

Somebody get me a Xanax, Prozac, or Valium! STAT!

Mind Games

#1: Saturday's Not-quite-a-thaw.
It was so beautiful on Saturday that Bruce and I convinced ourselves that it was spring. We took the girls for a walk, but found that our favorite park playground was still covered in snow. We let the girls swing for a while, but since Kiki was wearing Crocs, that's about all they got to do. Can REAL spring be too far away?

#2: Anatomy Lessons From Charlie
I'm babysitting Liza's kids while she and her husband are in Hawaii (jerks. No really, I love you, Liza.). Charlie is just potty trained, and he went potty, then of course Kiki wanted to give it a try, even though she isn't potty trained. So, she dropped her diaper and climbed on the toilet, at which point Charlie, who was still in the bathroom washing his hands, exclaimed, "Kiki hasn't got a penis!" He's a funny kid. Later he said to me, "I'm a B-A-A-A-A-D guy!"

#3: Is it Bedtime Yet?"
My heinous wake up time is getting the best of me. Last night I was so exhausted, but since it was dark out, I thought, 'I'm going to bed.' Took a look at my clock, and it was 7:20. Do you ever just WISH that it was later so you could just go to bed? I do.

#4: Kate asked, "What's porn?" I felt my stomach sink a mile, and said, "Where did you hear that word?" She replied, "You know, how baby Theo was porned?" Relief washed over me. "Kate," I said, "you mean BORN."

Babies. Baby-Rama.

My newest nephew arrived last night!! I'm so happy for John and Lindsay: Theo arrived at 5:01 p.m. on February 19. He weighed 6 lbs and 15 oz. Theo was a little early, so he has been in the NICU, but he and Lindsay are both doing well.

Bruce and I also went to visit our friends Jim and Dara who just adopted a little girl. You can link to their blog if you want to read the whole great story. We had a fun night with them- here's Jim and Azlyn:

Welcome little ones!

On A Tirade

Ok. I've tried deep breathing and positive thinking and I'm still bugged about something, so my alternative is to vent.

I go to the gym almost every morning. Parking is kind of an aggravation, because the owner/proprietor of Gold's Gym has had the parking spaces painted in the proportions that he imagines his gym goers are: smaller than average. One must park carefully, and even if you are exactly within the lines, chances are good that you will STILL only have a foot or less between your car and the one next to you. I've accepted it as part and parcel with my gym membership.

However!

The last week or so, some person has parked between the forward most parking spot and the entrance to the gym. Let's not delude ourselves that this is a poor soul just confused about where to park, because, in fact, there are no yellow lines, and the nose of this person's car is over a speed bump. As a result, two cars en route to somewhere can not both fit through the bottleneck created by this jerk, and if you are a pedestrian, you are out of luck. It is not safe. What is REALLY getting my goat is this: This person is AT THE GYM. I think it would be safe to assume that they are there to engage in physical activity and burn a few calories, yet for some INEXPLICABLE reason they find it completely out of their reach to walk a few extra steps from their car to the gym.

An open letter to this person would read:

Dear Sir/or Madam: You are a complete and utter tool. Thank-you.

I guess it could be longer, but I've edited it down since that's still going to take me quite a while to write that on their car with my key.

There's a Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre Teen in My House

I had a glimpse into the future yesterday, and I didn't particularly care for it. Kate was a holy terror all day long. She was cranky, and irritable, and talked back. I can take a lot of crap from a kid, but sassing back just makes me CRAZY. I'm a reasonable person and a reasonable parent, so I see no reason at all why I should be taking lip from a 5 year old. So...she was on her way into yet another time out because she had told me a lie. And here's what she said, "Well. You're a liar, too!" And my blood started to boil and I said, "Yeah? Do you think so? Do you think I was lying earlier when I told you you wouldn't be watching TV for the next two days? Do you think I was lying when I said your Leapster would be disappearing for two days? And do you think I'm lying now, when I tell you that you are going to bed at 7:00 tonight?" Not a proud moment for me for a couple of reasons: First, because I still felt strangely satisfied that she went silent after that exchange. Second, because I know that I reacted in the wrong way. When will I learn?

The whole day I was thinking, 'Is this what it's going to be like when she's a teenager?' I hope not, because I can't take it. I was so worked up that I was needing an emotional crutch of some kind. I was seriously contemplating, 'What can I buy, eat, drink, or snort that will make me feel better right now?'

I was chatting with a friend of mine last night- she has teenagers, and recently had to lay down the law on dating and relationships. I hope I can be as straightforward as she was. I do know this: Kate will be receiving a full debriefing after every date, and not a Bristol Palin/Greta Van Susteren type "interview," but instead a "Guantanamo" interrogation- one that's going to involve a lie detector and one way glass. Obviously, Bruce is going to have to play the "good cop" since I'm already scheming and her first date is 11 years away. Or maybe not, since he's the one who plans on "cleaning his gun" every time a guy comes to pick her up. I pray that I'm equipped for this.

********

I just had a heart-stopper. Kiki loves to eat snow, and I just caught her with a handful of the yellow variety. I did figure out that it was residual marker on her hand that was staining the snow- at least that's what I've chosen to believe.

All I Need to Know About Being Primary President I Learned at Victoria's Secret

When I spent almost a decade employed by Victoria's Secret, I never dreamed how I would later apply the skill set I developed. Turns out it's very applicable to my current life. I'm two weeks in to being Primary President (two weeks down, 154 to go, but who's counting?), and I'm using my skills like crazy. I can run a meeting, follow a budget, keep the attention of a large group of people, cover "employee no-shows", delegate and follow up, and much more! I probably won't let the kids in on my secret of where I developed my tricks, but I'm glad I have the ability to get them to do what I want and think it was their idea. The subject matter I'm covering couldn't be anymore opposite, but I am grateful that I can be "in charge" of something and not wonder about logistics. I hope that I can spend a little more time on spiritual matters since the temporal ones come easier for me.

The Sick Ward and Weird Pangs

Kate is on the way out of her sickness- it has been a full week of coughing and general misery. Unfortunately, Kiki is just beginning down the road, and I can only hope that she kicks it a little faster than Kate did. In the meanwhile, our NP prescribed plenty of liquids, a humidifier, and never ending episodes of Spongebob Squarepants.
Thanks, Amber, for the Valentine's package! We made you one, but I know you are moving, so you will have to settle for an online thank-you. We had a ton of fun making Valentine's for our family and friends.
Kate missed the Valentine's party at school, and she was so sad. I did take her Valentine's to school for her- she had been so excited for the party on Friday that we had made her cards on Tuesday. Her teacher brought by her mailbox after school and that seemed to make her feel a little better.

Kiki loves to eat snow. I've repeatedly explained the various dangers of eating snow in the yard where a dog also resides, but she still bangs the back door saying, "Snow! Snow!" She was wearing her usual outfit the other day- a diaper only- and was wanting to go outside. I told her, "Kiki, if you want to go outside you better put some warm clothes on." She disappeared into her bedroom for a spell, and then came back wearing: Still just a diaper, but also boots, gloves, and her blankie tossed around her neck.


No wonder she's sick.

Valentine's was a little bit of a bust around here. Seems it's hard to get a babysitter for two sick kids. Bruce was sweet and gave us all Valentine's apples from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (evil, Evil, and E-VIL) as well as a David Cook CD for me. I'd been housebound with the girls, so Bruce definitely got the short end of the gift-giving stick. I tried to redeem myself a little with a tasty Valentine's dinner- steak, risotto, squash, and homemade brownies. I even served it by candlelight, but it's not as romantic when you have one kid who keeps shrieking, "More Meat!" and the other who tries to set herself on fire. We wrapped up the day by watching "A Perfect Storm" which I chose because I had deluded myself into remembering that someone from the boat makes it. That isn't so, and thus Bruce and I spent two hours on a movie with a terrible ending.

Bruce and I hadn't been dating too long when our first Valentine's rolled around. It's awkward territory (How awkward? Watch the most recent episode of 30 rock.). I wanted to get him something personal but not TOO personal, but I really liked him. The measuring stick for any guy I dated was developed by my dear friend Brooke. If you went on a date, she always would ask, "Did he give you a weird pang?" A "weird pang" was a good thing, and Bruce gave me a weird pang (still does), so I really did not want to mess up on Valentine's Day. I wound up giving him some camping supplies and a book. He gave me what will go down in history as one of my favorite gifts of all time: a five pound bag of Hot Tamales and a vibrating toy gerbil. I'm not sure what led him to pick out the gerbil- it seemed a little weird, but it was funny and I appreciated that. And he had managed to figure out in just a short time that I have a serious love of Hot Tamales. The rest, as the say, is history.

It's hard to believe that was 9 years ago! It's gone by fast, but it has been great. I would marry him again in a heartbeat, and I hope he feels the same.

Lead By Example

Bruce is a "Butt Man." It's fortunate for me, since if he were a "Boob Guy" or an "Abdominal Dude" he would be seriously disappointed. Anyway, he regularly smacks my hind end as he walks by, and I guess I'm used to it. What I'm not used to, however, is that my observant Kiki has adopted this same strange habit. Last night I was bent over loading the dishwasher, and as Kiki walked by she casually gave me a couple of "spanks" as she passed. It was funny. And creepy.

Kiki has become quite chatty. "Watch Spongebob?" she begs. And if I say no, she says, "Why, Mommy, why?" in her saddest voice. If I tell her she is naughty, she will argue, "Um...Nice." So whether she's drawn on the ottoman with a marker or spread Laughing Cow cheese on my french doors (both real examples) her ultimate defense is that she is "nice."

Kate has been sick. I feel bad- she is coughing and feverish. It's been a long 5 days full of crying and whining, and that's just me.

Death By Chocolate

My attempts at weight loss have been SERIOUSLY sidelined. Although released from my Enrichment calling, there's no replacement for me yet, and I adore my two teaching partners. So, I'm still teaching our class with them this Thursday night. And of course the class is about chocolate- how could it not be when it's scheduled two days prior to Valentine's? This week has been consumed by chocolate creme brulee, ganache, truffles, hot fudge, chocolate cake, and more as I've practiced and prepared. And of course I can't resist it, because, not to brag, I'm a dang good cook and it is all delicious.

I'll sabotage YOUR diet now as well, and share an easy and delicious recipe I got from my sister-in-law Cheryl:

Hot Fudge: combine in a saucepan: 1 12 oz can evaporated milk, 1 stick butter, 2 cups sugar, 1 cup cocoa. Heat to boiling, boil 2 minutes. Add a splash of vanilla, serve over ice cream. Keeps well in the fridge and reheats great.

Enjoy it! And then have a punishing workout full of self hatred. It's totally working for me.

Powder's Lifestyle Change

Bruce took advantage of our (slightly) warmer Saturday and installed the electric fence we bought for Powder. It was hard work for him, and the dog is not happy about it. I was of the opinion that we should introduce the new system with a "Shock and Awe" wave of events involving a last meal, neck shaving to encourage proper electrode contact, cranking the "zapper" up to the maximum level, and turning Powder loose to sort it out on her own. I obviously still have some residual anger about her past transgressions. Bruce was a little more humanitarian about the process, instead keeping the electricity down low and walking her around the yard while leashed so she could learn her boundaries. Whatever works, I guess, though I still believe there's some merit to MY system.

Powder used to beg to be let out all day long, ostensibly just for a potty break but really intending to chase down cats caught unawares and to roll in horse manure. She comes to the back door now, and I reach for the orange collar and she will just walk away, still inside. I amuse myself by imagining her internal dialogue. "It's not even worth going out now." "Does she think she's funny?" "What am I supposed to tell my friends?" "@#%&*."

I am smug and satisfied.

Products I'm Not Being Paid to Endorse

Allstate Insurance: I've known for several years that Allstate was the cheapest home and auto insurance I could find, but it's impossible to know how you will be treated when making the precarious transition from paying customer to "I'd like to collect some benefits" customer. In short, they were great. We were treated fairly start to finish. My agent is Cathe Cooke in Pleasant Grove- if you are in the area, use her.

Redken Hair Products: The lady who cut my hair introduced me to Outshine. I generally stick to hair products that can A) be purchased at Walmart and B) cost less than $3. This can still be purchased at the salon at Walmart, and does cost $11, but I think it is totally worth it. I went crazy and bought a new flatiron as well, although my new stylist insists they aren't necessary if you can execute a proper blowout. In the first place, I CAN'T execute a proper blowout, unless letting my hair air dry while I do dishes and make the beds; suddenly catching a glimpse of my rat's nest and thinking, "@#%*"; then panicking and blasting my hair with high heat until my ears turn red counts. In the second place, I've spent too many years of my life with a perm to resist the siren call of perfectly straight hair.

Jillian Micheals' newest book, "Making the Cut": I've been following her program- not even to the letter- and I have lost 6 lbs in 3 weeks and lost 2 inches off of my waist. The book consists of a diet portion and an exercise portion. The food is totally reasonable and includes delicious recipes. The workouts are brutal. I start each workout by reading through that day's outline, and think to myself, "Girl, you're crazy." Then I attempt the workout. I find that an steady stream of internal profanity helps me execute most moves, especially if such profanity includes putting a pox on Jillian and all those she cares for. But after, as I bask in the workout afterglow, I think to myself, 'I'm feeling kind of buff. Maybe you aren't so bad after all.' Besides, if all this "Work Out and Watch What You Eat" craziness doesn't work for me I'm going to have to develop a plan of my own. Like, for example, the Mirror Diet. You can eat whatever you want, you just have to consume it while standing naked in front of a full length mirror.

I have also renewed my love affair with Itunes. We had a brief hiatus, but thanks to Bruce, I have a new Nano. I know there are haters out there, and I was briefly one of them, but now that I have my playlist back, I like you again, Itunes.

The girls continue with their own obsessions: Cheese, Spongebob, bubble baths, and pajamas. They are enjoying three of the four right now.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I've been growing my hair now for a couple of years hoping to donate it to Locks of Love. Today was hair cutting day!

I'm sure the innocent child who will wear a wig made from my hair won't mind if I try my old pigtails on the dog first...

...or let my five year old manhandle them...

...or stick them in my armpits...

...or pretend that Bruce is Pippi Longstocking.

Hopefully the results show on the scale tomorrow-I feel ten pounds lighter! The new haircut isn't looking so great in this picture, but it actually turned out cute.

The Benefit of Paid Clergy...

...is that a slacker like me would never be made Primary President. HOWEVER! No paid clergy, which means a slacker EXACTLY like me has been made Primary President. Pray for me. It took me two days to stop crying. And I did tell George he was out of the will for not raising his hand at the "Anyone Opposed?" portion.

On the way home from church, though, I did admit to Bruce that I would much rather be in charge of something versus having to answer to other people. His take on things is that maybe my new responsibility will somehow translate into better behaved children during what we have come to call "Snackrament Meeting." Liza (who is currently serving in a Primary Presidency) assures me that this is well within my realm of abilities. I hope so- I'm entering into the Great Unknown.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Poor Kiki. The pressure of smiling through a birthday song was too much for her. She collapsed in a heap and refused to even look at any of us.

I know the picture below is a little blurry, but the expression on her face is pure Maggie. She's also wearing a special birthday outfit, and by "Special Birthday Outfit" I mean a Pull Up instead of a diaper.

We celebrated twice. On her real birthday we took the girls to the McDonald's Playland and had a little cake at home, and then last night we celebrated with my mom and George and John, Lindsay, and Preston.

She got a trike for her birthday, but she won't ride it. She does like pushing Kate around on it though.