Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Maggie's prayers tonight:

Me: Dear Heavenly Father...
Her: Dear Heavenly Father...
Me: Thanks for this day...
Her: Thanks for dinosaurs...
Me: Thanks for my family...
Her: Fake Sneeze...
Me: In the name of...
Her: (cuts me off) Amen.

**********

The girls have been fighting a ton lately and I am sick of it. So I'm riding herd and every time they start a fight, they go to time out (sitting right next to each other, of course). Last night they went to time out right as I started making homemade noodles so Kate missed out on helping me with the noodles. She was FURIOUS, but I think a punishment should FEEL like a punishment. What's the point of a time out if the whole world just waits on hold for you while you are in the hall and then things just pick up where you left off? Then they fought again at bedtime and it was ridiculously late when they finally fell asleep, so the two of them are in bed at 7:30 tonight. Today at the grocery store, again the arguing starts, so they didn't get the ice cream cones I promised them. On the way home from the store I said to Kate, "See what's happening, honey? You fight: you miss out on making noodles. You fight: you go to bed extra early. You fight: no ice cream. So what's the moral of the story here, Kate?" Her reply, "I do NOT know what you are even talking about." A few minutes later I was trying to get her to understand that it takes two people to fight and that she always has the choice to walk away if Kiki is starting something, and she said, "You tell me that and I just forget! It's not like I'm a scientist!"

Livin' La Vida Lard-a

(I just posted this on my cooking blog, but frankly, the information is too important to be missed.)

I was reading online about lard. Don't even ask about the convoluted chain of events that resulted in such a thing, but hey, want the link? I took myself to Walmart. To say I felt stigmatized by the purchase would be an understatement: I hid that blue box beneath a box of Depends, my prescription butt acne medication, and my least recent divorce papers.

Then I brought it home and hid it in the basement for a few weeks.
But I decided today was "lard day." I have a hankering for pie anyway.

I'll give you the pie crust recipe in a minute. Here's the straight dope on lard: The article was very clear that lard doesn't taste like pork, but what they failed so mention was that it sure SMELLS like pork. That's pretty much a nightmare for the home cook, because who wants people thinking you've spent your morning frying bacon when really you've just pulled an apple pie out of the oven? Nevertheless, I soldiered on and made my porky pie crust. I cooked some of the little leftover bits sprinkled with cinnamon sugar, and my full report is:
THAT WAS THE LIGHTEST AND FLAKIEST PIE CRUST I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
AND IT DID NOT TASTE LIKE BACON.

Lard, we will meet again. I have just enough left over for a round of Angel Biscuits.

Every Time Pie Crust (from Janet)

3 cups flour (here's how you will measure it: Stir your flour. Lightly spoon into measuring cup. Level without packing or tapping.)
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp sugar
1 1/4 cup shortening (Or lard...)
1 egg, slightly beaten
4-5 T water (4 if you use a large egg, 5 if you use a small egg)
1 T white vinegar

Mix together dry ingredients. Cut in shortening with a pastry blender until the size of small peas. In a small bowl, whisk together wet ingredients. Add egg mixture to flour mixture and mix lightly with fork. Be gentle with your pie crust- don't overmix, but don't be afraid to stick your hands in there to combine it all together. I find that if I let the dough rest for about 15 or 30 minutes at this point, it becomes very easy to roll out and work with. Roll out on a floured board. Yield: 2 thick crusts or 3 thin ones.

When you roll out pie dough, be gentle. Don't press super hard- be light and take your time getting it to the size you want. (Gentlemen: This applies to the ladies as well.) (Sorry about that, I just couldn't help myself.) Then, roll your dough around the rolling pin and unroll it over your pie dish. Or, you might try folding it into quarters, and then unfolding in the pie dish. Whatever your tactic, don't just "Pick it up and pray" because that always ends bad. Then use scissors to trim around the edges: give yourself about a 3/4 inch overhang.

Here is an easy way to get a pretty edge. You can choose from a clear picture that doesn't necessarily show what's going on, or a blurry picture that's a slightly better representation.

I'm not Pioneer Woman. Kate was mad I dragged her away from a playdate to be my photographer so I guess it shows.

Obviously, this is a single crust pie. For prebaked crusts, 20 minutes at 350 should do it.
For double crust pies, seal the edges together with a little milk between them (just rub in on with your finger and lightly press the crusts together), then finish the edges the same way. Cook according to that specific recipe's directions.

A Few Pointers on Pre-baked Crusts:
A: Do not stretch the crust to fit your pie dish. It will shrink back, and that's a promise. Roll it out the the right size and then nestle it into the dish.
B: Before baking, either pierce the crust all over with a fork or use pie weights. I'll be honest, every time I take the fork-piercing route versus the weights route, I'm a little disappointed in the result. That said, I suggest a sheet of parchment over your raw crust gently filled with rice or beans (not refried, folks, dry ones. If you use rice, you can't cook it to eat later, so save it to be your "pie weight" rice.)

When He Comes Around He Only Wants One Thing

I have the nicest neighbors across the street- it's a mini "law of consecration" situation where my kids jump on their trampoline, their kids use our basketball hoop, we have fun movie nights together, and occasionally we fill their garbage can up (usually with permission).

They have a dog, and before Powder was old and feeble, the two dogs loved to play together in our yards. His name is Tucker, and I call him my "Common Law Dog" because he seems real comfy at our house and we like to see him. Also, he is smarter and more fun than our own dog (nothing personal, Pow-Pow, it's just that your age in dog years is "Mummy.").

I've encouraged a trip over to our place every morning when I get back from the gym to give him a Milk Bone and a scratch behind the ears. I was working earnestly to train him to pick up my newspaper on his way up the driveway, but, much like the guys in college who only came around when you were cooking brownies or feeling emotionally fragile, he really doesn't want to give much in return except for his good looks and charming ways. Still seems worth it, though.

There's a New Hunter in the Bunch

My step-brother Chance was married yesterday to a darling gal I'll call Jamie. (Mainly because that is her name.) They were married in the Draper temple so I brought the girls up because they adore (!) Chance and I knew they would want to be there. Bruce popped over on his lunch break.

"Kiki," I said, "Wear something nice."
Well, I guess if you spend most of your days in either a) a bikini, b) a white football jersey, or c) pajamas, then a denim mini-skirt and a collared shirt IS "something nice."

Chance with the girls.

The reception was at the Springville Art Museum.

Kate with Grandpa and Grandma.

Kate with Chance and Jamie.

Beau, Emilee, and Jody.

Kiki was fascinate by the art, especially the sculptures of naked people.

"Look at that big belly!" she said in amazement.

(Sidebar to Brooke, Rose, and Jenni: Remember when Brooke had to make a clay sculpture of a really fat male model in one of her art classes, and she came home humiliated because she had to requisition additional clay for his belly? That's what I thought of. Perhaps this is the same guy! Surely there are only so many obese men willing to model nude.)

The sisters and me: Jody, Emilee, Amber, and the girls.

Congratulations to the new couple! We love you.

Cousin Capers

I truly lack the words to write what it is I feel in my heart for my cousins. They are amazing and fun and smart. I suppose there is something about a "shared blood friendship" that is extra strong.

Two of my cousins, Susan and Rose stopped by with husbands and children for a get-together on Saturday night. I haven't laughed so hard in I don't know how long (P.S. Ask Miner to tell you the story of the 70 year old speed walker. You won't be sorry.).

The kids had the time of their lives.

Bruce and Jeff

Miner and Suze

I'm pretty sure that Jeff was done with his drink anyway.

A hammock can be hours of fun...

...and don't worry because they are perfectly safe.

Oh. I did not see this coming.

I asked Lilly to smile at me and she gave me the stink eye. She gets that from her Aunt Rose.

Jack, Kiki, Lola, Rose, and me.
My kid is a giant- Jack is 2 weeks older than her, and Lola is about 16 months older than her. I guess I can stop spiking her cheese with HGH.

My mom stopped by to say hello to everyone. She, Rose, and I stood around the piano and sang and I was so happy and content I almost cried.

Lachlan sings too, you know.

Jack gave Kiki a VERY enthusiastic hug good-bye. She squirmed out of his first embrace, but when he came back for round 2 he was on to her tactics and would not let go. I think it's the sign of a successful evening when the final words are, "Get him off of me!"

Warm Weather Fun and Other Miscellany

Random thoughts...

A quick pic of the girls enjoying their morning smoothie:

We have been thrilled with the warm weather. Our fruit trees are starting to bloom, as are our daffodils. It only took us 7 years to get around to planting some bulbs, which perhaps is a sign that our big yard projects are coming to a close. We went with our friends Steph, Allie, and Kara to the petting zoo. I purchased a pass to Thanksgiving Point this year and it has been money well spent.

It's hard to get good pictures at the petting zoo because the kids only want to look at the animals.
Kiki had some excitement when she failed to regard the "flat hand" rule of animal feeding and nearly had her hand eaten by a baby calf. I was starting to panic, as was she, when we finally pulled her hand out. After a few minutes of hysterical crying, she recovered enough to feed the goats instead.

I have finally encountered a Pulitzer winning novel that I can't finish. "Andersonville" is a 700 page Civil War novel. I've tried, and tried, and I just can't do it. I'm 100 pages in and I have been hating every minute of it. So, on to "Lonesome Dove."

I was lecturing Kate and Kiki on the way home from the grocery store today. "Guys, when you touch everything possible in the store it really stresses me out, because I worry that you are going to break or ruin something. It would really help if you could keep your hands to yourself when we go to the grocery store." The girls were nodding like they understood, and I said to Kate, "Do you think you can do that in the future?"
To which Kate said, "I don't even know what the future IS."

Two more things about Kate. First she is learning to tell time, so the days of saying it's bedtime when it's really 7:15 are over. Second, she said, "I love Daddy. He has a really good job and he makes A LOT of money." Just FYI: This kid thinks 8 bucks is A LOT of money.

We have been loving the TV show "Life" on the Discovery Channel. It has the most fascinating animal footage and facts. Oprah narrates the series, and it is very family friendly. In fact, the last episode we watched had a mating ritual in it, and video footage of everything leading up to the "big finish" was shown. Then Oprah said, "...and you know what happens next..." to which Kate said, "No. No, I don't."

Kiki is obsessed with potato bugs. She wants to find everyone possible and let it live in our house. Last night she wanted to bring one in at bedtime, and I said no because I hate the thought of bugs in the house, and I really hate the thought of dispensing a death sentence to a helpless bug at the hands of my overzealous three year old. "Kiki," I explained, "Potato bugs live outside. If you bring him inside, I guarantee you he will be dead by the morning. Put him back in his home." Sobbing, Kiki said, "Okay. He lived under this brick."
...and you know what happens next...

We Can Put a Price On Our Pride. It's $80.

I was just quietly perusing Facebook when Bruce informed me he needed some help with some trash retrieval.

ME: Seriously?
HIM: Heck, yeah. When we were at the park today I saw my exact same lawn mower in the dumpster there. The tires alone are like 40 bucks each.
ME: You've got to be *****ing me.
HIM: Nope. But I'll let you blog about it.
ME: Let me change out of my white skirt.
HIM: That's a good idea- we don't want anyone seeing us.
ME: I'm not trying to be stealthy, I just don't want to be filthy.
HIM: Girls, get in the car! We're going dumpster diving!
KATE: I hope there's no REAL diving.
ME: Yeah, well I hope there's no REAL dumpster.

Fresh out of the bath and ready for anything.

"I'm not embarrassed, I just don't want my face in this picture."

Thankfully, the loot was on top.

Thrilled by the thought of a life on the lam.

Kiki held the flashlight.

I had to completely suspend my disbelief when Bruce hoisted the mower (alone, I might add, so we all didn't even really need to go) out of the dumpster and said, "This thing doesn't even have a blade!" Yeah, whoever it was who threw that broken lawn mower in a dumpster had a lot of nerve. Sheesh.

No Kidding.

Translation: "This is a bad Sunday."

My Girls Are So Funny.

Kiki is obsessed with getting married. Obviously she has no idea what it means, but she does say most days, "I want to get MAR-RIED." When we drive by the Mt. Timp Temple, which is where Bruce and I were married, as well as George and Merrilee, she gets very excited to see the place where I was married. Also, she loves guys on motorcycles. It all started at the Glen Canyon Dam while we were on our way to Phoenix. She was being pretty naughty there, and just then 2 guys on motorcycles were firing up their super-loud bikes, and I said to Kiki, "Maybe you should just ride on with those two," and then continued to load her up into the truck. When the guys pulled away, she cried and cried, "But I thought I was going with them!" Now, whenever we see a man on a motorcycle she says, "I want to meet THAT guy!"

Also, Kiki loves to sing. "Do As I'm Doing" has been a favorite lately. She, of course, puts her own spin on it: "It's As I'm Doing" is how she sings it. She makes just that one little change and all of a sudden a gentle invitation becomes a little more sinister.

Kate was doing her kindergarten homework last night, and one of her tasks was to fill in the blank on the following phrase, "The world would be a better place if..." Kate's answer?

"...if everyone was the same."

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it, because I instantly imagined her career trajectory as a Grand Dame in the KKK or a talking head on Fox News. She immediately changed her answer to, "...if we all did nice things in the world." So now instead of career racist, we can imagine her as a career pageant entrant.

In My Spare Time

That's the joke around here you know. "In My Spare Time." Always with finger quotes since Heaven knows I have so little. BUT thanks to familial pressure ("in-law pressure" even: the very worst kind.), I have embarked on a little (and by "little" I actually mean "So Large and So Insurmountable That It Will Never Be Complete") project called my recipe blog.

Here's the link. I'm taking requests as well. I don't believe in "secret family recipes" so I guess you better pray out loud that you never gave me any because you might find it out there in the Wide Wide World of Web next time you Google your long-dead grandma.

Hey, I'm not promising you'll find anything you'll even want to make. However, if you are curious as to how I developed such amazing cellulite on my rear, it might give you some insight into that matter.

Arizona Anecdotes

Home at last. It's always fun to go on vacation, and it's always fun to come home. Every time I am getting ready to leave on vacation I completely stress myself out cleaning my house on top of everything else, but when we come home to a sparkling house it always seems the work was worth it. Of course now the place is back to being a giant rat hole. The drive home started rough- Kiki started asking Kate, "What are you looking at?" all surly-like before we were out of James' and Tiffany's driveway. After a quick farewell breakfast with Ma and Dad we were on our way, and other than a quick stop for gas in Flagstaff, we didn't stop until dinner at the KanKun Cafe in Beaver. Shout out to the KanKun: it is among my favorite Mexican joints in the state. I look for reasons to be in Beaver around meal times, and Bruce never tires of "eating in Beaver" jokes, so it's a winner all around.

A few things about Phoenix that must go into my recorded history:

Kiki was sleeping over at Aunt Christy's and informed her, "I want eggs in the morning, and I like to scratch my butt at night."

We stayed with James and Tiffany. They have a dog named Winston who is scared of EVERYTHING. Seriously, everything. Here's a step by step guide to robbing Winston's house:
First, take one quick step towards him. That will get him quivering.
Second, turn the page of a magazine. He'll start scouting his exit immediately.
Third, procure a sleeping baby. Show said baby to said dog. Winston's hasty departure will allow you several hours to load up the big screen, computer, and jewelry.

We went swimming again on Friday. My kids were in heaven.

The club was set up for a wedding later that day.

Doesn't every mother dream of her swimsuit clad daughter walking down the aisle?

Friday night Lirio, Tiffany, the girls and I went to dinner in Tempe. After gorging ourselves on barbecue, we needed fro-yo.

The backstory: A few weeks ago, Bruce won a little award at work and the prize was a jersey. He gave it to Kiki, who loves it. She calls it her "Ghost Shirt" and she was wearing it on Friday night. It just wasn't worth the fight to try and get her into something a little more presentable.
As it happens, right in front of the frozen yogurt place was a splash pad. The girls swore up and down they just wanted to "touch the water with their hands." Obviously, they wound up soaking wet.

Point A: The last name on the shirt makes it very easy for DCFS to ensure they have located the person about whom they received the complaints of an inappropriately dressed child at the mall.

Point B: Look close. The shirt was obviously completely transparent when wet- those are her Tinkerbell underwear showing through.

I think the good time that they had was worth the chilly drive home and the extra bath for the day. The fun was contagious- Tiffany, Lirio, and I could not stop laughing at their antics.

We always have so much fun in Phoenix- hopefully we get the chance to return the hospitality this summer when it is beautiful here and Hades there.

42 Years Young

Our good times and good weather continue in Phoenix.

We went to the Santan Mall with Uncle Burke to see "How to Train Your Dragon." It was such a good movie, and Kate was fascinated by the 3-D. Kiki, as usual, refused to wear the glasses and left, I'm sure, thinking that movie quality is on a serious downhill slide.

We went out to Queen Creek to see the Haws' new house. It is beautiful enough that you almost forget how long it took to drive there.

Thanks to the Haws kids I filled the Sequoia to maximum capacity for the first time ever.We were on our way to Organ Stop Pizza.

The draw at Organ Stop Pizza is a man who plays a huge Wurlitzer organ- it has more than just music notes- he had drums, cymbals, animal noises, and bubbles on his organ. (That sounds perverted.)

Bruce, Kiki, Lani, and Cheryl


Kate was WAY into the music.

Yesterday was Bruce's 42nd birthday.

His mom made him a memory book with many things from his childhood.

My kids will never have such a book since I throw everything away.

Recreation of his first baby picture.

We went to lunch with Bruce's family and then to a movie with just us. Since it was Bruce's big day, he chose, which is how we wound up at "Clash of the Titans" in 3-D.

Have you ever gone to a movie, and totally fallen asleep, and then when you woke up you had no idea what was going on, but you didn't want to ask because then it would be very obvious that you had been sleeping?

I have.

Bruce's mom and dad hosted the birthday fete at their house.

The girls with Uncles Burke and James.

I made tres leches for Bruce's birthday cake.

The girls and I with Aunt Lirio.

My girls adore Lirio. They think she is fabulous because she always has a little surprise for them and she lets them cuddle in her lap for as long as they want. I think she is fabulous because she tells me how good my cake is even though she is Mexican and I'm sure she has had better.

I know I don't say it enough that Bruce is a great husband and father, and hopefully his birthday was a happy one.